Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011
Is there an easy way to tell someone you’re just not that into them? When someone puts themselves out there and spills their heart to someone it is often something they have been holding in for a while and have been working up the courage to say. From personal experience that’s a hard thing to do. So if you’re the recipient of those special words and you don’t share the same feelings, how do you tell them? Are you honest and say exactly how you’re NOT feeling? Or do you dance around it and ultimately ignore the situation until that person finally gets the hint? What if you can’t find anything wrong with this person? They say and do all the right things, and they embody everything you are looking for in a significant other, but you still can’t bring yourself to get into them.
I’ve been on the receiving end of both expressing and being expressed to, and neither situation is easy when you or the other person doesn’t return those feelings. So let’s deal with the situation of someone having feelings for you that you do not share or are not ready to share. How do you let the other person down without hurting their feelings? Or are hurt feelings inevitable? I have only dealt with these situations in two ways, I ignore it until it goes away or I give a generic, watered down response. What do I mean by generic, watered down response? You ask all the right questions, and I have all the right answers. I have, in the past, responded by saying, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” or “I’m just not looking for a relationship at this time” or “I have too much going on right now and I don’t have time to commit to someone else.” Watered down, meaning I’m saying just enough to get out of revealing my real feelings and not hurt their feelings too much. Generic because I am not telling the real reason I don’t want to pursue a relationship with this person, “It’s not me, it’s you. I’m just not into you.”
I’ve been talking to a friend of mine that is going through this right now. She had a young man tell her how much he likes her. He has practically planned their wedding and impregnated her so they can have the perfect little family…in his head. And guess what? She doesn’t feel the same way about him. Now he’s a really good guy that would make some woman very happy, but she’s not that woman. And that’s okay, as long as she tells him that and doesn’t string him along. But how does she turn down what others would consider the almost perfect guy? How could you walk away from something you know you may not find ever again…in life?!
I have found that it doesn’t matter how good a person is, how good they are to you, and much they have going for them, if that person is not the right person for YOU, it won’t work. He or she could be the one that everyone else would kill to be with…loves God, good job, good personality, good looks, does and says all the right things…but if he or she is not THAT person, there’s no way you can be with them and be happy. We all have THAT person that we want to be with, even if we don’t admit it. We compare just about everyone to them and no one measures up, no one can serve as a replacement. You can have someone saying all the right things, ready to give you the world, but it means nothing if it doesn’t come from the right person. How do you feel when you wake up to the “good morning” text, the “I’ve been thinking about you all day” text, the “I would do anything for you” text…when it comes from THAT person? You can’t even put into words the feeling that comes over you. You’ll run smack into a pole trying to reply to that text. Now think about how you feel when you get those same messages from someone you have absolutely no feelings for. I know, your facial expression just went from sugar to salt. You may even have your friends and family in your ear telling you, “Giiiiirrrrl you better not let this one get away. He’s the one!”
So when people try to make you feel stupid for passing up what they see as the best thing that ever happened to you, just say okay and keep it moving. You owe no one an explanation. Remember, you’ll have chemistry with a lot of people. But not all chemistry should lead to a romantic relationship. Some chemistry is just the chemistry of finding a really good friend. You can’t fall for everyone because of the chemistry between you. Just because a person seems perfect, doesn’t mean they’re perfect for you. So how do you tell someone that you’re just not that interested in them without hurting their feelings? You can simply say, “I just don’t see us as being compatible enough to date and I would rather be honest with you now than to, later, try to explain to you why it didn’t work between us.” Is that easy? No! Will someone still probably be a little hurt? Yes! But if they don’t respect you for your honesty, then you just dodged a big ol sore loser bullet. Just kidding…not really.
Until next time,