I’m Coming Out…Of The Friend Zone

cropped-logo1.pngTurning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

As a single Black woman I can definitely feel the effects of the lack of good, single Black men. It may seem that all the good ones are taken, married, or they don’t meet our, often times, extensive list of qualifications. But many of us, especially women, tend to quickly categorize everyone we meet. There is the potential mate zone, the booty call zone, and the infamous friend zone. Why do we seem to put so many men in the friend zone so quickly and why do we often refuse to rezone them? When your kids are zoned to a particular school and you don’t think they are benefiting from the curriculum or maybe they are just advanced in their learning, beyond what they are getting from that school, you’ll figure out a way to get them in a different school in another zone correct? Because their education and growth is important to you. That’s exactly how we should treat these ‘friend zone’ situations. We often spend and waste so much time looking for love that we don’t see that love exists right under our noses. We may talk to and see our love on a daily or at least regular basis, but we call it friendship. But like the popular 90s R&B group Shai sang, “If I ever fall in love again, I’ll be sure the lady is a friend.” They say the best relationships start out as friends, but do we really live by that creed?

I was listening to online radio one day at work and the crew read a letter written by a woman that had a male friend of over 18 years. During the years he expressed many times that he wanted to be more than friends and finally after 18 years she decided to date him, but now she’s disappointed that he hasn’t made more of a commitment to her. Now for 18 years he watched you date other men, obviously unsuccessful because she’s still single, and after making him wait you want him to jump into a commitment with you? How sway? Is it fair to make him rush when you’ve made him wait for so long? So why do we friend zone people so quickly and why are we so hesitant to go beyond the friend zone? Speaking from personal experience, I never want to assume that every guy that approaches me wants to get with me. So I always consider their approach to just be of a friendly nature or him just being polite or just striking up a friendly conversation. Steve Harvey says that every guy has an agenda and no guy wants to just be your friend. He is always waiting on the right moment to slide in and take that friendship to the next level. I don’t think that’s always true. I have 2 really good guy friends that I trust and are very comfortable with and neither of them have ever tried anything. And recent events prove that we can’t rely on Steve’s advice, and the fact that he’s on his third marriage may prove that he’s not the expert that he has so confidently deemed himself.

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So let’s discuss why and how people get friend zoned and how to climb your way out of the abyss of friend zoneness, if you so choose. Most of us have a list of qualifications for our potential mate, a sometimes very unrealistic list. If the person we meet does not match the items on that list, but they still prove to be a good human and someone you could have fun with, they may immediately get dismissed and thrown into the friend zone basket. Sometimes we have these friendships that have lasted for years, someone you really care about and would be devastated if they left your life so you’re not willing to take the risk of ruining it by attempting a romantic relationship. We also friend zone people out fear of rejection or being hurt. When you are carrying baggage from your past it can be hard to trust, so you put everyone in the friend category to avoid the potential of being let down…again. Other reasons for putting someone in the friend zone is a lack of attraction for someone or simply being incompatible with a person. Or maybe that attraction was there and that person did something disgusting, immoral, or unethical that turns you off. Deciding to start a relationship with anyone is a risk because no one can predict the outcome. And if you decide to move a valuable friendship into relationship territory it can be even more of a risk. First, you need to establish how strong your feelings are and if you feel that your friendship is worth the risk of losing if this relationship doesn’t work or your friend doesn’t feel the same way you do. You can try to establish rules in the beginning like, the friendship won’t change or if it doesn’t work out you’ll work on just being friends again. But let’s face it, that’s a bunch of BULL! It’s damn near impossible to go from being friends, to lovers and seeing each other naked and, if y’all part ways, go back to being just friends. Someone’s feelings are bound to get hurt, things will be said, and people will move on to other relationships. After that, ain’t no mo friendship bih!

Now that you’ve decided that you actually want to use your graveling hook to climb out the friend zone hole, let’s talk about how to actually do that. Depending on how close you are with the individual that you’ve friend zoned, or that has friend zoned you, very few people will know them like you do. That’s your advantage…show them how much you know and understand them. Now don’t do this in a manipulative way, but what better person to have a relationship with than someone who already knows you and all your little funny and disgusting habits. With a stranger, you have to teach and show them who you are and what you like and dislike. When you’ve already established a friendship with someone, the rest should be fairly easy. I’m not saying you won’t experience the same hurdles that all relationships do, but the getting to know each other process shouldn’t be as hard as it would be with a stranger. The most important thing you can do is be patient. It may not be easy for your friend to go from friendship to relationship, especially if they had no idea you had feelings for them beyond friendship. Give them time to process it. If you sincerely care for this person and want to experience a future with them, respect their feelings and their space if they need it.

If you’re trying to get out of the friend zone I hope it works out for you. And if they reject you, F*** em…they weren’t that cute anyway.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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Can I Get My Shit Together Too?

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

My best friend asked me if I would marry for money or love. I immediately said love…we can build together and get this money, but the love has to be my number one reason for saying YES! Then he shared a story about one of his coworkers whose girlfriend, who is also the mother of his child, wants to move in with him. He describes this girl as not having anything going for herself. She works a part time job so her income is not what it should be to maintain a household and take care of a baby. In addition, she has no real plans for the future. She is just living day by day, barely getting by. His dilemma, like it is not already obvious, is that he will have extra living expenses if she moves in. He thinks that once she moves in, she will probably quit her job and expect him to take care of her. Now I must mention that this young man works two jobs and is very active in his child’s life, both physically and financially, so the fact that she does not have her ish together is making him look elsewhere for love.

This made me realize, well I have always been aware of this, but men do not really put up with nearly as much from women. We women always like to “see the potential” in our men or “hold them down” and we do this a lot. Like a LOT…once we fall in love it is hard for us to see past the “ain’t shitness” in a man. Even when it comes to cheating, we women are more likely to forgive than men are. Why is that? What is it about women that make us hold on so much longer than men? Another example for ya, I have a friend that was dating a guy that she really liked. He found someone that he thought was a better fit for him. This young woman was a nurse so she already had an established career and doing okay financially. Nevertheless, do not get it twisted, my friend is no slacker. She takes care of business and is well on her way to having an awesome career. However, because she was not ‘established’ yet, her guy friend chose, what he thought was, the better choice based on her financial and career status. Well, his better fit cheated on him…so I guess she really was not the better fit huh? Hmph!

My best friend said that women are the same way when it comes to choosing a potential mate and dealing with relationships, but I beg to differ grasshopper. Yes, some women dismiss men because they do not meet their materialistic standards, the key word being “materialistic”. Those women are what we call gold diggers; they are looking for a meal ticket. Then you have your goal diggers; the women who are working hard to make sure they can take care of themselves and want someone that is equally ambitious. I always say, “He needs to meet me or beat me.” Meaning I want someone on my same level. I work, pay all my own bills, obtain my possessions using my own line of credit, I’m in the process of pursuing my Masters, and I hustle on the side maintaining my own blog and doing freelance writing for others. The point is, I do not want to work a 9 to 5 for the rest of my life and I want to have multiple streams of income so I always know that my family and I are good. I also do not want my kids to have to work for anyone other than my husband and myself. Therefore, when I say he has to meet me or beat, I mean he not only has to be on my financial level or working towards it, but he has to have the same thought process and goals for the future. We should be able to teach other.

So does a man ever wait for a woman to get her shit together? Nope! Sure do not! We are expected to have it all and be able to do all, on top of keeping our man happy so he does not cheat. If we cannot do that, we are quickly thrown into the reject pile. However, a man can be “getting his shit together” and he expects his woman to hold him down until that happens. Well, NO! We cannot be expected to stand by your side while your broke ass tries to make it if we know you would not do the same for us. I listened to another friend vent about the women he had dated recently, saying how none of them have it together. He even compared them to me, saying, “none of the girls I’ve dated recently have their stuff together. They’re not like you. You have your life intact. You have a job and can take care of yourself. I just don’t understand why these girls can’t get it together.” Well my friend, I did not always have my shit in place. I was once that girl that working on getting there. You cannot dismiss someone because they aren’t quite where you would want them to be. That does not mean you have to put up with “ain’t shitness”, just know the difference between potential and “ain’t shitness”. Know when you have a potential Michelle or Barack.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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5 Steps To Reclaiming Your Time

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

 

During a congressional meeting on July 27th, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuckin thought he could dance around  a question posed by California representative Maxine Waters. Oh but Waters was having NONE of it! She quickly regained her allotted time lost by exclaiming, “Reclaiming my time! Reclaiming my time!” Now of course the internet and Maxine Waters’ supporters took this and ran with it…drug it through the mud until it was so dirty that no one wanted to use it anymore. Meaning that people will abuse a phrase so much that you quickly get tired of hearing it. Within a few days Waters’ face and her now famous catch phrase was on posters, t-shirts, underwear, and thousands of memes.

I quickly became tired of seeing all the posts, tweets, and facebook statuses about ‘Reclaiming My Time’. I’ll admit, I was a little salty with Maxine for getting everyone fired up to reclaim their time, but then I thought, “I need to reclaim my time for several current situations in my life.” So in planning how I was going to reclaim my time, I figured several of my readers would love to start reclaiming their time as well. So I came up with 5 easy steps for myself in my process of reclaiming my time.

Stop Entertaining Negativity:

I had a friend that was constantly sending me screenshots of random people from her social media pages. She always had something negative to say about everyone instead trying to find the good in people. So what I started doing is NOT responding to those texts. I would respond to all other texts, as long they were not negative. She finally got the message. I reclaimed my time from all negativity. There are so many negative things I could focus on all day everyday, but that’s not going to find me get to where I want to go in life. If you have time to focus on the negative, you have time to focus on making positive changes in your life. This is time that can be dedicated to starting your own business, building your brand…doing research to educate yourself so you can make a positive impact on your community. Something other than talking down on other people. It is ok to tell people that you will not entertain any negativity. That could be a wakeup call for them, as well, to stop focusing on the negative.

 

Stop Talking About It:

I recently dealt with a situation that was literally draining emotionally, mentally, and physically (in that order). I felt the need to talk about it to ALL of my friends. This situation consumed me because it is something that I never really dealt with before and I am still not sure how to handle it. I want the outcome to eventually be good, but I am scared shitless that it won’t and I can lose a really good friend that I care about. I want to move past it, but how is that going to happen if I talk about it every day? It won’t! I have started writing more and talking less. I have also decided to deal with the issue head on instead of asking everyone else’s opinion about it. As long as I have unanswered questions, I will always be confused. I will continue to feel the need to hash it out with my friends, instead of the one friend that I should be talking to. Moreover, I’m sure my friends are tired of hearing me talk about the same thing over and over again.

 

Do Not Get Involved:

I have a friend that is trying to sort out a situation with a couple of people that we both were once friends with. I am very protective of my friends and family and will often try to fight their battles for them. I don’t want anyone to feel comfortable enough to come to me saying anything negative about those that I call friends and family. So I was recently talking to another friend about this situation and telling him how I wanted to reach out to these former friends and have a conversation with them. He quickly said, “DON’T DO IT! Let them sort that out and stay in your lane. Not your circus, not your monkeys.” He’s right. I don’t deal well with drama and always try to steer clear of it. Getting involved in that situation would just be inviting negativity in and the disturbance of my peace. This, in turn, affects everything else in my life…throwing everything off balance and distracting me from my goals. So make the choice to not get involved. If you are already caught up, reclaim your time and get out of the sunken place NOW!

 

Let It Go:

I am the liberated Black woman formerly known as Bitter Betty. I was once the queen of holding onto to things that hurt or angered me. It would only take one time for a person to hurt, anger, or disrespect me and I was DONE! The fork had been stuck in me and I was ready to be eaten, I was so done. (Wait…sorry I have a dirty mind) The point is I did not know how to let go of things and they were affecting my attitude and the way I approached people, places and things. I was robbing myself of having meaning relationships and friendships and my attitude was horrible. Then life taught me that everyone, including myself, makes mistakes. I had to learn how to forgive and forget, because I wanted to be forgiven for my mistakes and mishaps. Holding on to negative things makes you unhappy and robs you of your joy. And I need all of the joy and happiness that I can get. Life is too short and I don’t want to miss out on an ounce of joy and happiness. So I reclaimed my joy and happiness by letting go of hurt and anger.

Take A Chance:

A closed mouth don’t get fed. If you want something, ask for it or go after it. How many times have you said, “I wish I had…” or “I wonder what would happen if…”? We often hold back on pursuing the things we want because we are comfortable, afraid of failing, or don’t want to be rejected. Rejection and failure is a part of life and a part of growth. It can break you, if you let it, or it can make you stronger and make you push even harder to reach your goals. I’ve been saying that I want to relocate for years now. I haven’t actively pursued it until now. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time being comfortable in my little small town bubble. My friends are (were) here, my mom is here and I’m familiar with my surroundings. I’m living in ‘The Comfort Zone’. But I am so unhappy. I feel like a raft inside of a small box. I want to inflate to my full size, but this box is constricting me. So now, I’m taking a chance and taking steps to relocate. Please stop waiting and start doing. When I think about at all the time I wasted staying in my hometown, working jobs that definitely don’t pay enough, and putting my dreams on hold, I want to cry. But I won’t because I’m a G! But I could have been in a city that appreciates my talents more, surrounded by like-minded individuals that are pursuing the same things I am. I will always love my hometown, the city that raised me. However, I outgrew it a long time ago and now I am taking a chance and starting new in a new city and state and going into the career that I actually went to school for. Do not put your happiness on hold any longer by giving into the fear of “what if”. What if you do and everything turns out great?

These 5 steps can easily be summed up in 3 words: STOP ENTERTAINING NEGATIVITY!

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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So You Think You Can Blog? (Birthday Contest)

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

“It’ the most…wonderful tiiiiiiiiime of the year” No it’s not Christmas, it’s Leo season. Better known as Markitta’s birthday…time to celebrate. While I am excited about this year’s celebration activities (although they have yet to be planned), I am more excited about doing a little giving back to my people. I have had several people to ask me about blogging…how I started and the best website to use for hosting a blog. Well, I started blogging because I love to write, I am very opinionated and I needed an outlet to voice my opinion, and you can make money from blogging. Three of the best reasons to start right? Writing is very cathartic.

Well, this year I want to give someone else a gift. I am want to help someone start his or her own blog. And I’ll be paying for your own blog site through WordPress and help you create a blog site name. I’m even going to bless you with some of time and help you write your first blog. So if you are an aspiring writer that just needs a little help getting started, keep scrolling to see how you can enter my birthday contest.

Contest Rules

  1. Write a blog post to be featured on my blog. Make sure it’s interesting, well written, and a hot topic that will catch the attention of my audience.
  2. Must be at least 18.
  3. Send your blog post to canilaughnow2@gmail.com with the subject line “Birthday Contest” by August 21. Also include your Instagram profile name in this email.
  4. You MUST follow @cilnmedia on Instagram.

Simple right? The best blog post wins my Blogging Birthday contest. So get to writing…and may the universe be on your side.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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Porn Watchers: Heathens or Sexually Healthy?

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Everyone watches porn, or has watched porn at least once right? Well I know ALL of my male friends (and the majority of my female friends) watch and they make no apologies about it. I once heard a former pastor of mine say that there was no harm in watching porn or masturbating. The real offense is the fact that the average person cannot do either without thinking about another person while in the act. That’s when the sin of lust comes into play. But for those of us, I mean y’all (LOL), that can watch porn without fantasizing about someone else, is there any harm in watching porn and engaging in a little touching of one’s self? Of course, if you’re watching porn all day, everyday then it’s a problem. SEEK HELP! That’s not healthy. But I do not believe that the occasional log on to Pornhub is harmful.

Let’s be real, we all have ‘urges’ and ‘needs’. If you aren’t married or in a committed relationship with someone you have an active sex life with, I believe watching porn is better than being a promiscuous THOT or a man-whore in these streets. And speaking of relationships, is it still okay to watch porn if you’re married or in an exclusive relationship? Especially if you and your partner aren’t watching together? So if you don’t have anyone to engage in safe sex with, how do you fulfill those urges and needs? Well, you learn what makes you happy and tingly inside by exploring your body while watching porn. The benefit of watching porn, or ‘learning your body through the art of masturbation’, is that once you enter a relationship with your life mate, you know what you like and you can guide them on what makes you happy sexually. That very thing can also backfire, in that you can become so use to pleasing yourself that you no longer desire the touch of another person. I’m not sure how that can happen because I have yet to discover anything that replaces the touch of a man, but it is definitely not unheard of. I’ve heard many pastors preach against masturbating, one even saying that God provides us with wet dreams so that we don’t have to masturbate. I personally disagree with that, but for all you Christians that hang on to every word your pastor says, that’s actually a good reason not to watch porn.

But a healthy sex life can be beneficial to your mental, emotional, and physical health. According to WebMD, sex not only feels, but it’s good for you.

Boosts Your Libido…Apparently having sex makes sex better. Women every time you have sex your vaginal lubrication increases, blood flow, and elasticity increases. Now that increase in elasticity kind of scares me, but not enough to deter me.

Improves Women’s Bladder…A good sex life is like a workout…an orgasm can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. This is one that I’ll using in the future because I swear I pee like 20 times a day.

Lowers Blood Pressure…this is should be of particular interest to us black people, since many of us take in foods that are bound to elevate our blood pressure.

Counts As Exercise…in a world that is obsessed with being in shape, but too lazy to actually workout, now you have a fun workout to do to help you lose weight. Sex uses about five calories per minute. It bumps up your heart rate and requires you to use various muscles throughout your body.

May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely…According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, men who ejaculated frequently were less likely to get prostate cancer. Men, you should watch more porn!

Improves Sleep…what’s put you to sleep and provides  a peaceful night’s rest better than good sex? Nothing that’s what.

So the answer to the question of whether or not watching porn makes you a heathen or sexually healthy is NEITHER! Pleasuring yourself does not require the same amount of energy and exertion as actually having sexually relations with someone. You don’t reap those same physical benefits. Now, porn may relax you and help you sleep better, but it can’t provide you with the emotional support you need and crave sometimes. If you are engaging in the act of sex with someone you love and are in love with, it is often about more than the physical act itself. Sex with the right person can make you feel beautiful, loved and protected. All feelings that are nourishment to your emotional spirit.

So whether you’re a regular porn watcher or an occasional porn watcher, you are not a heathen. You’re not very sexually healthy either…unless you’re a man, because you just need to ejaculate at least 3 times a week to possibly prevent prostate cancer. Proving once again that men have it so much easier than women.

“Daily penetration is medicinal.” Regina Hall a.k.a. Ryan from the movie Girls Trip

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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