Can A Cheater Change His/Her Spots?

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

“Once a cheater always a cheater.” I beg to differ.

Me:  Could you take a chance and date someone known for cheating in her past relationships?

Stuart:  At this point in my life, I wouldn’t take the chance. It would be a waste of time.

Me:  What if she claimed to no longer cheat? Could you trust her? Or would it be too risky?

Stuart:  Too risky. I like to look at people’s pasts to determine their futures. This may be unfair, but that’s how I do it.

Ouch. Well if a person’s future is determined by his/her past then no man would ever take a chance on me. I have cheated on basically every boyfriend I’ve ever had. There, my skeleton is out of the closet. I cannot really provide an explanation for my infidelity besides being young, selfish, and immature.

My last relationship was over 4 years ago. Since then I have grown a lot within myself, with my relationship with God, and with my relationships with the opposite sex. I now know what I want and what I do not want. And I recognized my own shortcomings in relationships and have made great strides to overcome them. With all that being said I still find myself having to answer for the mistakes of my past. I’m finding that some men have a difficult time accepting my “spotted” history.

There are many risks involved when startings new relationships. The biggest -I think we all can agree- is heartbreak. We want to avoid it at all costs. And in some eyes, choosing to date a former cheater is a huge gamble. But as any gambler would tell you, the only way to win is to stay at the table.

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) This scripture speaks about the ministry of reconciliation. We have been reconciled with God through Christ, with God “not counting men’s sins against them” (2 Corinthians 5:19). Following God’s example we should work to be reconciled with our brothers and sisters not counting their sins again them as well (not just talking about romantic relationships either).

So … am I worth the risk? Heck yeah I am! (Duh! lol

So take a chance. 

While on the topic of cheaters… Is going to the strip club considered cheating?

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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When Your Broken Heart Becomes Your Fault

cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy fall in love. Things are good for one or two years. Things suddenly start to change. Boy or girl is no longer in love. Boy and girl go their separate ways. Girl or boy is confused and blindsided…didn’t see this coming. Or did they? Let’s go back a few months and take a look at what may have transpired. Remember that one time her phone rang and she took the call in the other room? And how that started happening more regularly, when she normally has no problem taking calls in front of you no matter who it is? Or how you usually see him almost every day of the week and now you see him maybe three or four days out of the week…if he has time? Oh, or what about the first time you suspected he was lying to you about where he was and what he did the night before, but you dismissed it because you didn’t want to believe that he would actually lie to your face! Yep! There are always signs, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. The signs are sometimes subtle, but sometimes HUGE! They smack us in the face like the smell of your grandma cooking chitterlings in the summer time. We see the changes taking place but we hope that we can do something to bring things back to normal…the way it was when you both were in love with each other. We don’t realize that the longer we ignore the problems the worse those problems become. And sometimes we set ourselves up for a heartbreak. How is that possible you ask? Well, we put ourselves in situations that we KNOW will not have a happy ending.

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Take me for example, because y’all know I’ve put myself in some questionable situations. A few years ago I was in ‘like’ with this guy. We weren’t in a relationship or even dating. But we had a strong like for each other. We talked everyday, he came to visit me at work regularly, and I even stayed up all night texting him while he was at work. Yep, I sacrificed sleep just to talk to him! It felt like we were teenagers, neither of us wanting to be the first to hang up the phone. I thought that since we were taking the time to really get to know each, without being around each other all the time and not even being close to being intimate, that we were starting off on the right foot. We weren’t being distracted by lust because we weren’t spending time together alone. We were sharing a different type of intimacy. HA! Corny right? I know, I know. But just keep reading because there was a very good reason why we were never alone together or went out on dates or never even seen together in public. He wasn’t 100 percent available…he was engaged to be married…and not to me. And yes I knew this before I got ‘involved’ in this situation with him! But I continued to talk to him every day, staying up all night texting him while he was at work. I believed the things he told me about his current relationship, and then I got my heart broken. I logged on to Facebook one day and I saw wedding pictures…his wedding pictures…I talked to him the day before his wedding and he never mentioned the fact that he was getting married the next day. I was hurt and angry. I couldn’t believe that he was such a coward to not tell me he was about to walk down the aisle. I thought we meant more to each other and he had more respect for me to hurt me like that. LOL, yeah I know that’s funny right? I had to laugh at myself on that thought. But wait! Should he have given me the heads up that he was getting married? I mean, I knew he was engaged and marriage is what usually follows. Truth is he didn’t owe me anything. A warning about his upcoming wedding, an explanation, an apology…NOTHING! My broken heart was now my fault. So often we go through relationships with our love shades on. Just like our Ray Bans, Nine West, and for some of us Prada shades, blocks the sun, our love shades block the lies, excuses and infidelity. They block the lack of interest from our partner. They block the true personalities and characters of our significant other. We wear them inside and outside, making people look at us thinking that we are confused. You know those people who wear their shades inside or even when there is no sun out? Or people who take selfies with their shades on…or the dude that always wears a hat because he just doesn’t look the same without it.They refuse to remove these items because they seem to make everything look better. Some tend to think they can change a person if they stick by them, love them through their mess. Hmph! When a person shows you over and over again who they are, and you still don’t believe them…your broken heart becomes YOUR FAULT! So how do we stop breaking our own hearts? Simple..stop settling! Recognize that you deserve better and do not settle for less than what you want. You think that what you have now is the best you can do. No ma’am! God wants more for you in EVERY area of your life. Your career, your education, your family, your friends and your relationships. He does want us to settle for less, when He wants to give us the best. But we have to let go so we can grasp what He has waiting for us. We should NEVER let a man or woman have to tell us twice that they don’t want us!

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Until next time…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

I’m Coming Out…Of The Friend Zone

cropped-logo1.pngTurning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

As a single Black woman I can definitely feel the effects of the lack of good, single Black men. It may seem that all the good ones are taken, married, or they don’t meet our, often times, extensive list of qualifications. But many of us, especially women, tend to quickly categorize everyone we meet. There is the potential mate zone, the booty call zone, and the infamous friend zone. Why do we seem to put so many men in the friend zone so quickly and why do we often refuse to rezone them? When your kids are zoned to a particular school and you don’t think they are benefiting from the curriculum or maybe they are just advanced in their learning, beyond what they are getting from that school, you’ll figure out a way to get them in a different school in another zone correct? Because their education and growth is important to you. That’s exactly how we should treat these ‘friend zone’ situations. We often spend and waste so much time looking for love that we don’t see that love exists right under our noses. We may talk to and see our love on a daily or at least regular basis, but we call it friendship. But like the popular 90s R&B group Shai sang, “If I ever fall in love again, I’ll be sure the lady is a friend.” They say the best relationships start out as friends, but do we really live by that creed?

I was listening to online radio one day at work and the crew read a letter written by a woman that had a male friend of over 18 years. During the years he expressed many times that he wanted to be more than friends and finally after 18 years she decided to date him, but now she’s disappointed that he hasn’t made more of a commitment to her. Now for 18 years he watched you date other men, obviously unsuccessful because she’s still single, and after making him wait you want him to jump into a commitment with you? How sway? Is it fair to make him rush when you’ve made him wait for so long? So why do we friend zone people so quickly and why are we so hesitant to go beyond the friend zone? Speaking from personal experience, I never want to assume that every guy that approaches me wants to get with me. So I always consider their approach to just be of a friendly nature or him just being polite or just striking up a friendly conversation. Steve Harvey says that every guy has an agenda and no guy wants to just be your friend. He is always waiting on the right moment to slide in and take that friendship to the next level. I don’t think that’s always true. I have 2 really good guy friends that I trust and are very comfortable with and neither of them have ever tried anything. And recent events prove that we can’t rely on Steve’s advice, and the fact that he’s on his third marriage may prove that he’s not the expert that he has so confidently deemed himself.

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So let’s discuss why and how people get friend zoned and how to climb your way out of the abyss of friend zoneness, if you so choose. Most of us have a list of qualifications for our potential mate, a sometimes very unrealistic list. If the person we meet does not match the items on that list, but they still prove to be a good human and someone you could have fun with, they may immediately get dismissed and thrown into the friend zone basket. Sometimes we have these friendships that have lasted for years, someone you really care about and would be devastated if they left your life so you’re not willing to take the risk of ruining it by attempting a romantic relationship. We also friend zone people out fear of rejection or being hurt. When you are carrying baggage from your past it can be hard to trust, so you put everyone in the friend category to avoid the potential of being let down…again. Other reasons for putting someone in the friend zone is a lack of attraction for someone or simply being incompatible with a person. Or maybe that attraction was there and that person did something disgusting, immoral, or unethical that turns you off. Deciding to start a relationship with anyone is a risk because no one can predict the outcome. And if you decide to move a valuable friendship into relationship territory it can be even more of a risk. First, you need to establish how strong your feelings are and if you feel that your friendship is worth the risk of losing if this relationship doesn’t work or your friend doesn’t feel the same way you do. You can try to establish rules in the beginning like, the friendship won’t change or if it doesn’t work out you’ll work on just being friends again. But let’s face it, that’s a bunch of BULL! It’s damn near impossible to go from being friends, to lovers and seeing each other naked and, if y’all part ways, go back to being just friends. Someone’s feelings are bound to get hurt, things will be said, and people will move on to other relationships. After that, ain’t no mo friendship bih!

Now that you’ve decided that you actually want to use your graveling hook to climb out the friend zone hole, let’s talk about how to actually do that. Depending on how close you are with the individual that you’ve friend zoned, or that has friend zoned you, very few people will know them like you do. That’s your advantage…show them how much you know and understand them. Now don’t do this in a manipulative way, but what better person to have a relationship with than someone who already knows you and all your little funny and disgusting habits. With a stranger, you have to teach and show them who you are and what you like and dislike. When you’ve already established a friendship with someone, the rest should be fairly easy. I’m not saying you won’t experience the same hurdles that all relationships do, but the getting to know each other process shouldn’t be as hard as it would be with a stranger. The most important thing you can do is be patient. It may not be easy for your friend to go from friendship to relationship, especially if they had no idea you had feelings for them beyond friendship. Give them time to process it. If you sincerely care for this person and want to experience a future with them, respect their feelings and their space if they need it.

If you’re trying to get out of the friend zone I hope it works out for you. And if they reject you, F*** em…they weren’t that cute anyway.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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Porn Watchers: Heathens or Sexually Healthy?

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Everyone watches porn, or has watched porn at least once right? Well I know ALL of my male friends (and the majority of my female friends) watch and they make no apologies about it. I once heard a former pastor of mine say that there was no harm in watching porn or masturbating. The real offense is the fact that the average person cannot do either without thinking about another person while in the act. That’s when the sin of lust comes into play. But for those of us, I mean y’all (LOL), that can watch porn without fantasizing about someone else, is there any harm in watching porn and engaging in a little touching of one’s self? Of course, if you’re watching porn all day, everyday then it’s a problem. SEEK HELP! That’s not healthy. But I do not believe that the occasional log on to Pornhub is harmful.

Let’s be real, we all have ‘urges’ and ‘needs’. If you aren’t married or in a committed relationship with someone you have an active sex life with, I believe watching porn is better than being a promiscuous THOT or a man-whore in these streets. And speaking of relationships, is it still okay to watch porn if you’re married or in an exclusive relationship? Especially if you and your partner aren’t watching together? So if you don’t have anyone to engage in safe sex with, how do you fulfill those urges and needs? Well, you learn what makes you happy and tingly inside by exploring your body while watching porn. The benefit of watching porn, or ‘learning your body through the art of masturbation’, is that once you enter a relationship with your life mate, you know what you like and you can guide them on what makes you happy sexually. That very thing can also backfire, in that you can become so use to pleasing yourself that you no longer desire the touch of another person. I’m not sure how that can happen because I have yet to discover anything that replaces the touch of a man, but it is definitely not unheard of. I’ve heard many pastors preach against masturbating, one even saying that God provides us with wet dreams so that we don’t have to masturbate. I personally disagree with that, but for all you Christians that hang on to every word your pastor says, that’s actually a good reason not to watch porn.

But a healthy sex life can be beneficial to your mental, emotional, and physical health. According to WebMD, sex not only feels, but it’s good for you.

Boosts Your Libido…Apparently having sex makes sex better. Women every time you have sex your vaginal lubrication increases, blood flow, and elasticity increases. Now that increase in elasticity kind of scares me, but not enough to deter me.

Improves Women’s Bladder…A good sex life is like a workout…an orgasm can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. This is one that I’ll using in the future because I swear I pee like 20 times a day.

Lowers Blood Pressure…this is should be of particular interest to us black people, since many of us take in foods that are bound to elevate our blood pressure.

Counts As Exercise…in a world that is obsessed with being in shape, but too lazy to actually workout, now you have a fun workout to do to help you lose weight. Sex uses about five calories per minute. It bumps up your heart rate and requires you to use various muscles throughout your body.

May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely…According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, men who ejaculated frequently were less likely to get prostate cancer. Men, you should watch more porn!

Improves Sleep…what’s put you to sleep and provides  a peaceful night’s rest better than good sex? Nothing that’s what.

So the answer to the question of whether or not watching porn makes you a heathen or sexually healthy is NEITHER! Pleasuring yourself does not require the same amount of energy and exertion as actually having sexually relations with someone. You don’t reap those same physical benefits. Now, porn may relax you and help you sleep better, but it can’t provide you with the emotional support you need and crave sometimes. If you are engaging in the act of sex with someone you love and are in love with, it is often about more than the physical act itself. Sex with the right person can make you feel beautiful, loved and protected. All feelings that are nourishment to your emotional spirit.

So whether you’re a regular porn watcher or an occasional porn watcher, you are not a heathen. You’re not very sexually healthy either…unless you’re a man, because you just need to ejaculate at least 3 times a week to possibly prevent prostate cancer. Proving once again that men have it so much easier than women.

“Daily penetration is medicinal.” Regina Hall a.k.a. Ryan from the movie Girls Trip

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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