Rejection Isn’t Fair

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

Is there an easy way to tell someone you’re just not that into them? When someone puts themselves out there and spills their heart to someone it is often something they have been holding in for a while and have been working up the courage to say. From personal experience that’s a hard thing to do. So if you’re the recipient of those special words and you don’t share the same feelings, how do you tell them? Are you honest and say exactly how you’re NOT feeling? Or do you dance around it and ultimately ignore the situation until that person finally gets the hint? What if you can’t find anything wrong with this person? They say and do all the right things, and they embody everything you are looking for in a significant other, but you still can’t bring yourself to get into them.

I’ve been on the receiving end of both expressing and being expressed to, and neither situation is easy when you or the other person doesn’t return those feelings. So let’s deal with the situation of someone having feelings for you that you do not share or are not ready to share. How do you let the other person down without hurting their feelings? Or are hurt feelings inevitable? I have only dealt with these situations in two ways, I ignore it until it goes away or I give a generic, watered down response. What do I mean by generic, watered down response? You ask all the right questions, and I have all the right answers. I have, in the past, responded by saying, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” or “I’m just not looking for a relationship at this time” or “I have too much going on right now and I don’t have time to commit to someone else.” Watered down, meaning I’m saying just enough to get out of revealing my real feelings and not hurt their feelings too much. Generic because I am not telling the real reason I don’t want to pursue a relationship with this person, “It’s not me, it’s you. I’m just not into you.”

I’ve been talking to a friend of mine that is going through this right now. She had a young man tell her how much he likes her. He has practically planned their wedding and impregnated her so they can have the perfect little family…in his head. And guess what? She doesn’t feel the same way about him. Now he’s a really good guy that would make some woman very happy, but she’s not that woman. And that’s okay, as long as she tells him that and doesn’t string him along. But how does she turn down what others would consider the almost perfect guy? How could you walk away from something you know you may not find ever again…in life?!

I have found that it doesn’t matter how good a person is, how good they are to you, and much they have going for them, if that person is not the right person for YOU, it won’t work. He or she could be the one that everyone else would kill to be with…loves God, good job, good personality, good looks, does and says all the right things…but if he or she is not THAT person, there’s no way you can be with them and be happy. We all have THAT person that we want to be with, even if we don’t admit it. We compare just about everyone to them and no one measures up, no one can serve as a replacement. You can have someone saying all the right things, ready to give you the world, but it means nothing if it doesn’t come from the right person. How do you feel when you wake up to the “good morning” text, the “I’ve been thinking about you all day” text, the “I would do anything for you” text…when it comes from THAT person? You can’t even put into words the feeling that comes over you. You’ll run smack into a pole trying to reply to that text. Now think about how you feel when you get those same messages from someone you have absolutely no feelings for. I know, your facial expression just went from sugar to salt. You may even have your friends and family in your ear telling you, “Giiiiirrrrl you better not let this one get away. He’s the one!”

So when people try to make you feel stupid for passing up what they see as the best thing that ever happened to you, just say okay and keep it moving. You owe no one an explanation. Remember, you’ll have chemistry with a lot of people. But not all chemistry should lead to a romantic relationship. Some chemistry is just the chemistry of finding a really good friend. You can’t fall for everyone because of the chemistry between you. Just because a person seems perfect, doesn’t mean they’re perfect for you. So how do you tell someone that you’re just not that interested in them without hurting their feelings? You can simply say, “I just don’t see us as being compatible enough to date and I would rather be honest with you now than to, later, try to explain to you why it didn’t work between us.” Is that easy? No! Will someone still probably be a little hurt? Yes! But if they don’t respect you for your honesty, then you just dodged a big ol sore loser bullet. Just kidding…not really.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN, now residing in Charlotte, NC. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

Follow Me  instagram

I’m Coming Out…Of The Friend Zone

cropped-logo1.pngTurning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

As a single Black woman I can definitely feel the effects of the lack of good, single Black men. It may seem that all the good ones are taken, married, or they don’t meet our, often times, extensive list of qualifications. But many of us, especially women, tend to quickly categorize everyone we meet. There is the potential mate zone, the booty call zone, and the infamous friend zone. Why do we seem to put so many men in the friend zone so quickly and why do we often refuse to rezone them? When your kids are zoned to a particular school and you don’t think they are benefiting from the curriculum or maybe they are just advanced in their learning, beyond what they are getting from that school, you’ll figure out a way to get them in a different school in another zone correct? Because their education and growth is important to you. That’s exactly how we should treat these ‘friend zone’ situations. We often spend and waste so much time looking for love that we don’t see that love exists right under our noses. We may talk to and see our love on a daily or at least regular basis, but we call it friendship. But like the popular 90s R&B group Shai sang, “If I ever fall in love again, I’ll be sure the lady is a friend.” They say the best relationships start out as friends, but do we really live by that creed?

I was listening to online radio one day at work and the crew read a letter written by a woman that had a male friend of over 18 years. During the years he expressed many times that he wanted to be more than friends and finally after 18 years she decided to date him, but now she’s disappointed that he hasn’t made more of a commitment to her. Now for 18 years he watched you date other men, obviously unsuccessful because she’s still single, and after making him wait you want him to jump into a commitment with you? How sway? Is it fair to make him rush when you’ve made him wait for so long? So why do we friend zone people so quickly and why are we so hesitant to go beyond the friend zone? Speaking from personal experience, I never want to assume that every guy that approaches me wants to get with me. So I always consider their approach to just be of a friendly nature or him just being polite or just striking up a friendly conversation. Steve Harvey says that every guy has an agenda and no guy wants to just be your friend. He is always waiting on the right moment to slide in and take that friendship to the next level. I don’t think that’s always true. I have 2 really good guy friends that I trust and are very comfortable with and neither of them have ever tried anything. And recent events prove that we can’t rely on Steve’s advice, and the fact that he’s on his third marriage may prove that he’s not the expert that he has so confidently deemed himself.

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So let’s discuss why and how people get friend zoned and how to climb your way out of the abyss of friend zoneness, if you so choose. Most of us have a list of qualifications for our potential mate, a sometimes very unrealistic list. If the person we meet does not match the items on that list, but they still prove to be a good human and someone you could have fun with, they may immediately get dismissed and thrown into the friend zone basket. Sometimes we have these friendships that have lasted for years, someone you really care about and would be devastated if they left your life so you’re not willing to take the risk of ruining it by attempting a romantic relationship. We also friend zone people out fear of rejection or being hurt. When you are carrying baggage from your past it can be hard to trust, so you put everyone in the friend category to avoid the potential of being let down…again. Other reasons for putting someone in the friend zone is a lack of attraction for someone or simply being incompatible with a person. Or maybe that attraction was there and that person did something disgusting, immoral, or unethical that turns you off. Deciding to start a relationship with anyone is a risk because no one can predict the outcome. And if you decide to move a valuable friendship into relationship territory it can be even more of a risk. First, you need to establish how strong your feelings are and if you feel that your friendship is worth the risk of losing if this relationship doesn’t work or your friend doesn’t feel the same way you do. You can try to establish rules in the beginning like, the friendship won’t change or if it doesn’t work out you’ll work on just being friends again. But let’s face it, that’s a bunch of BULL! It’s damn near impossible to go from being friends, to lovers and seeing each other naked and, if y’all part ways, go back to being just friends. Someone’s feelings are bound to get hurt, things will be said, and people will move on to other relationships. After that, ain’t no mo friendship bih!

Now that you’ve decided that you actually want to use your graveling hook to climb out the friend zone hole, let’s talk about how to actually do that. Depending on how close you are with the individual that you’ve friend zoned, or that has friend zoned you, very few people will know them like you do. That’s your advantage…show them how much you know and understand them. Now don’t do this in a manipulative way, but what better person to have a relationship with than someone who already knows you and all your little funny and disgusting habits. With a stranger, you have to teach and show them who you are and what you like and dislike. When you’ve already established a friendship with someone, the rest should be fairly easy. I’m not saying you won’t experience the same hurdles that all relationships do, but the getting to know each other process shouldn’t be as hard as it would be with a stranger. The most important thing you can do is be patient. It may not be easy for your friend to go from friendship to relationship, especially if they had no idea you had feelings for them beyond friendship. Give them time to process it. If you sincerely care for this person and want to experience a future with them, respect their feelings and their space if they need it.

If you’re trying to get out of the friend zone I hope it works out for you. And if they reject you, F*** em…they weren’t that cute anyway.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

Follow Me   instagram

Why I’m Single

cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

A few days ago I was standing in front of the mirror snapping pictures of myself trying to take the perfect selfie to post on Instagram. I must have snapped at least 30 shoots before I had one that I liked and was presentable enough for everyone else to see. If you check my Instagram page you will see that I have posted very few pictures of myself. The rare times that I do post a pic of myself I go through the process of finding the perfect lighting and usually snap pics for about 10 minutes before I have one that I almost like. And if I stare at it for more than 5 minutes I can find at least 3 things wrong with it and I no longer almost like it. But, during this process a few days ago I realized why I’m single. Well I realized the biggest reason that I’m single, because there’s more than one reason. I, Markitta Michelle Garner, have a self-image problem. My mental picture of myself is poor. After doing a little research I was surprised to discover that many people with type A personality tend to have a poor self-image. Those with type A personality tend to be ambitious, impatient, truthful, sensitive and always try to help others. I should get a Type A Personality t-shirt made and wear it everyday.

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I am constantly promoting Team Single. I never miss the opportunity to let the world know how happy I am with my single status, and I am happy being single. I am in no rush to be boo’ed up. But I also have to be honest with myself about one of the reasons why I’ve chosen to stay single for so long. It’s not that I don’t go out or that no one shows interest, or the excuse that a lot of women in my small town like to use, “There are no good men in this city.” I’m sure there are plenty of good men in my area. My why is my self-image. How I see myself is not the same as how others say they see me. When I’m at home getting dressed for work or a night out with my girls. I have a little confidence. But once I step over the threshold of my front door, that confidence level quickly diminishes.

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Phot cred: Trunetta Atwater http://www.trunettaatwater.com

I’m pretty as long as I’m the only one and there’s no competition. I’m pretty until I’m among my friends who exude a natural beauty…a beauty that doesn’t take much effort. I’m pretty until I’m surrounded by other women that I’m constantly comparing myself to. I’m pretty until I step on the scale. I’m pretty until someone wants to take a picture with me. I can’t tell you where my self-image issues come from because I honestly don’t know. All I can say is that I compare myself to others a lot and I’m sure if I stopped doing that I would probably like myself a lot more. So I guess my issues come from my own insecurities. I definitely do not lack people in my life, male and female, that tell me I’m beautiful inside and out. The problem is I don’t believe them. It’s kind of like when you’re mom tells you you’re pretty…I feel like they’re saying it because they’re my friends, not because they really mean it.

Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not looking for validation from a man. I love myself enough not to settle or let someone belittle or disrespect me, but I don’t always like myself. I’m single because I don’t feel attractive. And if I don’t feel attractive I can’t attract anyone else. I’m single because I literally don’t want a man to hug me or touch me in any way because I don’t have the perfect body. I’m single because I feel like if any man gets to close he’ll see all my imperfections.

My friends recently asked me if them telling me that I’m pretty make a difference and the answer is no. You can tell someone something a thousand times, but until they can see it for themselves you’re wasting your breath. Other people’s opinion of me shouldn’t shape how I feel about myself. I have to change my mental perception and realize that God made everything beautiful, including me. So in an effort to reverse my self-image I am going to look in the mirror every morning and repeat Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  

I am currently reading the book Glamour Girl: How To Get The Ultimate Makeover! by Megan Mottley. One of my favorite quotes the book reads,“Problems arise when we compare ourselves to others as well as what we constantly see on television, in magazines, and so forth. People come in all shapes, sizes and colors and no one is better than the other. Our society has defined beauty, fashion, music, religion and many other factors to be a certain way and anything else is ugly, not stylish or just plain wrong. The key is to define your own style and attitude, while taking only a few tips from magazines, television or the people you observe on a daily basis.”

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I know I’m not the only one struggling with their self-image. To all my beauties, “you are created in the image of God, and God don’t make no junk! Like a snowflake, every person is unique. No two are the same. God sees you as a masterpiece; and when you look in the mirror, say Psalm 139:14 and smile.” ~Vicky Courtney http://www.focusonthefamily.com

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As always…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

Follow Me instagram