When Your Broken Heart Becomes Your Fault

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Girl meets boy. Girl and boy fall in love. Things are good for one or two years. Things suddenly start to change. Boy or girl is no longer in love. Boy and girl go their separate ways. Girl or boy is confused and blindsided…didn’t see this coming. Or did they? Let’s go back a few months and take a look at what may have transpired. Remember that one time her phone rang and she took the call in the other room? And how that started happening more regularly, when she normally has no problem taking calls in front of you no matter who it is? Or how you usually see him almost every day of the week and now you see him maybe three or four days out of the week…if he has time? Oh, or what about the first time you suspected he was lying to you about where he was and what he did the night before, but you dismissed it because you didn’t want to believe that he would actually lie to your face! Yep! There are always signs, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. The signs are sometimes subtle, but sometimes HUGE! They smack us in the face like the smell of your grandma cooking chitterlings in the summer time. We see the changes taking place but we hope that we can do something to bring things back to normal…the way it was when you both were in love with each other. We don’t realize that the longer we ignore the problems the worse those problems become. And sometimes we set ourselves up for a heartbreak. How is that possible you ask? Well, we put ourselves in situations that we KNOW will not have a happy ending.

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Take me for example, because y’all know I’ve put myself in some questionable situations. A few years ago I was in ‘like’ with this guy. We weren’t in a relationship or even dating. But we had a strong like for each other. We talked everyday, he came to visit me at work regularly, and I even stayed up all night texting him while he was at work. Yep, I sacrificed sleep just to talk to him! It felt like we were teenagers, neither of us wanting to be the first to hang up the phone. I thought that since we were taking the time to really get to know each, without being around each other all the time and not even being close to being intimate, that we were starting off on the right foot. We weren’t being distracted by lust because we weren’t spending time together alone. We were sharing a different type of intimacy. HA! Corny right? I know, I know. But just keep reading because there was a very good reason why we were never alone together or went out on dates or never even seen together in public. He wasn’t 100 percent available…he was engaged to be married…and not to me. And yes I knew this before I got ‘involved’ in this situation with him! But I continued to talk to him every day, staying up all night texting him while he was at work. I believed the things he told me about his current relationship, and then I got my heart broken. I logged on to Facebook one day and I saw wedding pictures…his wedding pictures…I talked to him the day before his wedding and he never mentioned the fact that he was getting married the next day. I was hurt and angry. I couldn’t believe that he was such a coward to not tell me he was about to walk down the aisle. I thought we meant more to each other and he had more respect for me to hurt me like that. LOL, yeah I know that’s funny right? I had to laugh at myself on that thought. But wait! Should he have given me the heads up that he was getting married? I mean, I knew he was engaged and marriage is what usually follows. Truth is he didn’t owe me anything. A warning about his upcoming wedding, an explanation, an apology…NOTHING! My broken heart was now my fault. So often we go through relationships with our love shades on. Just like our Ray Bans, Nine West, and for some of us Prada shades, blocks the sun, our love shades block the lies, excuses and infidelity. They block the lack of interest from our partner. They block the true personalities and characters of our significant other. We wear them inside and outside, making people look at us thinking that we are confused. You know those people who wear their shades inside or even when there is no sun out? Or people who take selfies with their shades on…or the dude that always wears a hat because he just doesn’t look the same without it.They refuse to remove these items because they seem to make everything look better. Some tend to think they can change a person if they stick by them, love them through their mess. Hmph! When a person shows you over and over again who they are, and you still don’t believe them…your broken heart becomes YOUR FAULT! So how do we stop breaking our own hearts? Simple..stop settling! Recognize that you deserve better and do not settle for less than what you want. You think that what you have now is the best you can do. No ma’am! God wants more for you in EVERY area of your life. Your career, your education, your family, your friends and your relationships. He does want us to settle for less, when He wants to give us the best. But we have to let go so we can grasp what He has waiting for us. We should NEVER let a man or woman have to tell us twice that they don’t want us!

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Until next time…Keep Laughing!

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

Getting Over Your Gym-Timidation: An Interview With Fitness Trainer Danya Love

Ambitious Girl Blogger Network

Fitness has become the new black. Everyone wants to be in shape, but some don’t know where to start. My friends make comments all the time about working out and getting in shape. They say, “girl I can’t get up that early” or “what you do is too hard, I can’t do pushups and burpees” or my favorite, “I’m going to start working out Monday.” Many people are intimidated by the gym and gym equipment because they don’t know how to use the machines or they think they are too weak or too overweight to be able to do most of the exercises when working with a trainer. You may know people that frequent the gym and they make it look effortless.

My mom doesn’t like going to the gym because her perception of the gym, much like a lot of other people, is a bunch of muscle men pumping…

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Losing My Religion

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Judge not lest you be judged. Meaning do not judge unfairly or selfishly. That’s what the bible says right? Yeah, it’s right there in Matthew 7:1…I just read it. So why do so many Christians specialize in being judgmental? For example, on a Saturday outing with my mom and aunt, my aunt asked if she could ask me a question. My reply, “sure, if I can answer honestly.” Before we get into that question, let’s take a little trip down memory lane. I grew up as Baptist the first few years of my life and then as a Jehovah’s Witness from the age of 9 until I was 18. I never really accepted all of their beliefs, always having questions but never speaking my mind. For example, when someone makes a mistake [sins] they are shunned. Forget the fact that everyone sins daily, consciously and unconsciously, because we know bout YOUR sin…because YOUR sin is public knowledge, we’re painting the scarlet letter on your chest until WE think you have redeemed yourself. What happened to ‘come as you are’? Everyone makes mistakes?

Back to my aunt’s curiosity…her question, “Did you not like serving Jehovah?” My response, “I still serve God, why would you ask me that?” She looks me in the eyes and says, “No, I mean Jehovah.” “Wait…you mean the same God you serve?” She says, “People aren’t always referring to Jehovah when they say God.” “Well I’m talking about the SAME God you’re speaking of. The bible calls Him by many names so YES we’re talking about the same God. Did you think I was talking about this ice in my cup. You think I’m worshipping ice sculptures now?” I asked her why she thought I didn’t like serving God. She said because of the activities I partake in and the fact that I have separated myself from that particular religion. “Soooo you mean since I’m out here freestyle sinning, I must have put God on the back burner?” She pretty much said, “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.” Ha…wow. Never mind the fact that she’s being extremely judgmental right now…I’m a SINNER in her eyes.

Am I a bad person because I’m not connected to a church? Why do I need to be affiliated with a church or a religion to prove that I believe in or serve God? People attend church for a number of reasons:

  • They feel the need to be connected to other like-minded people
  • It’s part of their faith
  • To get and stay close to God
  • For spiritual guidance
  • Or because they were brought up that way

For me, it started out because that’s how I was brought up. Living in the house with my grandmother and watching her go to church every time the doors opened, naturally I thought that’s what you were suppose to do. I mean, how else was I going to avoid going to hell? It became a habit, a part of this thing we call life on earth. It then became a means to stay close to God. How could I be close to and have a relationship with God without being in church? As I got older I attended church because that’s what my circle of friends did. I wanted to be around them and if they went to church, I went to church too…monkey see, monkey do.

Once I realized that I didn’t have to be in church to have a relationship with God, which is the most important thing, I actually started focusing on my relationship with Him more. Like me show you what that looks like if that doesn’t make since to you. When I attended church on Sundays and Tuesday, I often waited until then to fall into worship and talk to God. I depended on the preacher to guide me into prayer, to hype me up to give Him praise. Like I couldn’t do it on my own. The preacher had to tell me what I should be grateful for and motivate me to tell Him thank You.

I lost interest in attending church a long time ago. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t bring myself to get up every Sunday morning. I don’t party much so I wasn’t staying out late every Saturday night, so being too sleepy or tired wasn’t the issue. The last time I attended church was Easter…pretty cliché of those non-church going people. You know, the Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day attendees. While I resided in Memphis I was a regular Sunday morning worship, Tuesday night bible study, Thursday night singles ministry member. But I realized that it wasn’t church itself that I was drawn to. It was the company I kept at the church that drew me in. I made some pretty awesome, lifetime connections. If it weren’t for my ministry group, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been in attendance on a regular basis. Once I moved back home I searched and searched for the perfect church. I couldn’t find what I had in Memphis and that’s when I realized that my main reason for attending was because of my friends. I struggled to find that same connection. I was looking for friends, like-minded people…not religion. I wasn’t searching for God. I talk to God everyday, not just when I’m at church. It finally hit me that I was losing my religion, thank God. And it was one of the best decisions I’ve made.

Until next time Laughers,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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Fatherless Daughters: 5 Things She Needs Her Father To Know

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Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

 

My relationship with my father has never been a close one. Even when I was a child he wasn’t around much. I saw him on holidays and I spent most of my summers in Missouri with him, accompanied by my grandmother. I thought I was fine with our relationship because, well, I was a child and when all you’ve ever had is a part-time dad you really don’t know that it’s suppose to be different. When he came around I knew that I could get whatever I wanted as far as material things. I figured that was his way of saying ‘I love you’–eventually I figured out it was his way for making up for not being around much. Even though I didn’t see him on a regular basis I still thought he was a good father. But that was partly because, at the time, I didn’t really know the difference between a good father and a bad one. It wasn’t until I got older that I started noticing things and became aware of the fact that my father could be doing a way better job. He played no part in raising me. He was more like the favorite uncle that you looked forward to seeing during the holidays and at the family reunion. As I got older the relationship got worse—virtually non-existent. He got married when I was in middle school and didn’t bother to tell me. The summer before he got married was the last summer I spent with him. I went several years without having any contact with him and finally got acclimated to not having a father in my life so I mentally blocked him out. It was like he was dead. I’m now in my thirties and since the age of 12 I’ve only spoken with him maybe 3 times.

No matter how old we get, we still need our parents around. We never stop needing our parents. We may pretend to be okay with that absent parent, but if those of us who don’t active an active father (or mother) in our lives, IT HURTS! The feeling of not being wanted, by your parent of all people, is one that cuts deep. If I had to speak for all women who had a father that chose not to be around, I would say there are a few things we need our father to know.

I cried when you didn’t show up.

Children remember everything. Every promise you made, everything you said you were going to do, every place you said you were going to take me…I remember. So when you made a promise to show up for me and you broke that promise it hurt. No matter how many times you broke your promises to me, I never got used to it and it hurt the same every time.

You were the first man to break my heart.                                                                                

I’ve had a few failed relationships and had my heart broken more times than I would have liked. But the first heartbreak I can remember is the one that came from you leaving me behind. Tossing me aside like I didn’t even matter. Did you ever think about me or miss me? I’ve recently been in the same room with you and watched you speak to everyone except me…like I wasn’t even there. Fortunately, I’ve learned that not all men are like you and I am now open to receive love and have children of my own.

I wanted you to choose me first.

Everyone wants to be put first sometimes–to be the first choice. I wanted to know that I was more important than everything else you had going on. Choosing your girlfriend, new wife, or other children that aren’t biologically yours should never happen. I should have never been in second place to anyone or anything.

When you hurt my mom, you hurt me too.

What goes on between parents should really have nothing to do with the child. No matter how well, or not so well, the parents get along, the child should always be priority and that relationship should not determine whether a parent remains in his child’s life. But no child wants to see either of their parents hurt. When I saw my mother visible hurt by the things you did and didn’t do, it affected me. I lost a little more respect for you each time I saw my mother hurt.

For some reason, I still love you.

Whenever someone does something to hurt us, we wish we could instantly turn off our love for them. Unfortunately, for our hearts it doesn’t work that way. I feel like I should have no love for you–I barely know you and you show me no love at all. But because you are my father, I still love you.

Fathers, you are the first EVERYTHING for your daughters. You are the first man she loves and respects. She looks up to you and to her you can do no wrong. She will either admire you for the way you treat her mother, or resent you for causing so much pain. She learns from you how to be treated by a man. That can either have a negative or positive effect on what and who she allows in her life. The relationship, or lack thereof, that you have with her mother shouldn’t affect you being there. She doesn’t want your money or your gifts, she wants your time. She wants you to love her and fight for her and protect her. Don’t be the reason for her tears, be there to wipe her tears.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.


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Can I Get My Shit Together Too?

cropped-cropped-logo1.png Turning Pain Into Laughter Since 2011

My best friend asked me if I would marry for money or love. I immediately said love…we can build together and get this money, but the love has to be my number one reason for saying YES! Then he shared a story about one of his coworkers whose girlfriend, who is also the mother of his child, wants to move in with him. He describes this girl as not having anything going for herself. She works a part time job so her income is not what it should be to maintain a household and take care of a baby. In addition, she has no real plans for the future. She is just living day by day, barely getting by. His dilemma, like it is not already obvious, is that he will have extra living expenses if she moves in. He thinks that once she moves in, she will probably quit her job and expect him to take care of her. Now I must mention that this young man works two jobs and is very active in his child’s life, both physically and financially, so the fact that she does not have her ish together is making him look elsewhere for love.

This made me realize, well I have always been aware of this, but men do not really put up with nearly as much from women. We women always like to “see the potential” in our men or “hold them down” and we do this a lot. Like a LOT…once we fall in love it is hard for us to see past the “ain’t shitness” in a man. Even when it comes to cheating, we women are more likely to forgive than men are. Why is that? What is it about women that make us hold on so much longer than men? Another example for ya, I have a friend that was dating a guy that she really liked. He found someone that he thought was a better fit for him. This young woman was a nurse so she already had an established career and doing okay financially. Nevertheless, do not get it twisted, my friend is no slacker. She takes care of business and is well on her way to having an awesome career. However, because she was not ‘established’ yet, her guy friend chose, what he thought was, the better choice based on her financial and career status. Well, his better fit cheated on him…so I guess she really was not the better fit huh? Hmph!

My best friend said that women are the same way when it comes to choosing a potential mate and dealing with relationships, but I beg to differ grasshopper. Yes, some women dismiss men because they do not meet their materialistic standards, the key word being “materialistic”. Those women are what we call gold diggers; they are looking for a meal ticket. Then you have your goal diggers; the women who are working hard to make sure they can take care of themselves and want someone that is equally ambitious. I always say, “He needs to meet me or beat me.” Meaning I want someone on my same level. I work, pay all my own bills, obtain my possessions using my own line of credit, I’m in the process of pursuing my Masters, and I hustle on the side maintaining my own blog and doing freelance writing for others. The point is, I do not want to work a 9 to 5 for the rest of my life and I want to have multiple streams of income so I always know that my family and I are good. I also do not want my kids to have to work for anyone other than my husband and myself. Therefore, when I say he has to meet me or beat, I mean he not only has to be on my financial level or working towards it, but he has to have the same thought process and goals for the future. We should be able to teach other.

So does a man ever wait for a woman to get her shit together? Nope! Sure do not! We are expected to have it all and be able to do all, on top of keeping our man happy so he does not cheat. If we cannot do that, we are quickly thrown into the reject pile. However, a man can be “getting his shit together” and he expects his woman to hold him down until that happens. Well, NO! We cannot be expected to stand by your side while your broke ass tries to make it if we know you would not do the same for us. I listened to another friend vent about the women he had dated recently, saying how none of them have it together. He even compared them to me, saying, “none of the girls I’ve dated recently have their stuff together. They’re not like you. You have your life intact. You have a job and can take care of yourself. I just don’t understand why these girls can’t get it together.” Well my friend, I did not always have my shit in place. I was once that girl that working on getting there. You cannot dismiss someone because they aren’t quite where you would want them to be. That does not mean you have to put up with “ain’t shitness”, just know the difference between potential and “ain’t shitness”. Know when you have a potential Michelle or Barack.

Until next time,

~Keep Laughing

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Kitta is an Interviewer and Freelance Blogger/Writer from Jackson, TN. She can provide blogging services for your business or product, and event coverage.

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